Posts Tagged ‘struggles’

My Return

So I went away to treatment for quite awhile, and am home. Unfortunately I relapsed almost immediately. I’ve been trying to “change my life”, and “find myself”…so I took a rather long break from the online world and my “old self”.

To bring everyone up to speed. I was sent away to a special treatment centre out of province, as I was a severe case. I stayed there for quite a few months, some in hospital, some out. Don’t get me wrong, I made tremendous progress while I was there, and am not at the same pitiful state as when I arrived. However I am less than flourishing.

While away I also learned all sorts of wonderful tricks that are completely counterproductive to my recovery, like how to induce vomiting effectively, and to manipulate blood tests and scales and such.

Anyone who tells you you will not be triggered in recovery is a liar. Anyone who tells you you can’t get worse is a fool. Recovery is something you have to want…and your eating disorder won’t want it. It will grasp these pearls of wisdom and hang on like a vice. There are a lot of sick people in recovery, and they all talk. The one thing that holds them together is their disorder…and so that is what they talk about, that is what they bond over. In a sick way it even makes the disorder stronger. You slowly begin to validate your disorder and that of those around you.

So now I’m back in town, still restricting my intake, still occasionally binging, still purging (adding the wonderful vomiting on top of the laxative abuse), still exercising…and once again losing weight. No one said it was an easy battle. My therapist says this happens all the time. She says its just good we caught it early, its good I’m being honest; and do I need to go away to treatment again?

What she doesn’t know is that its so bad I drove to a mall to throw up today because I knew I would be caught out if I did it at home.

Welcome back