Posts Tagged ‘eating disorders’

Close Calls

Last night I was once again reminded just how terrifying and deadly a battle it is we face as anorectics. 1 in 10 of us will die, if not due to medical complications, then it will be suicide.

At 12:00 in the morning I receivied news that a friend of mine had attempted suicide. She’d been out for 3-4 days. She’s supposed to die. I suppose I should be thankful she even woke up. I suppose only time will tell if this is going to be another close call, or the end.

You never really think when you look around at the girls your facing this with, that at least 2 or three of them won’t make it out. You always think that statistics just belong in text books, and it won’t happen in your lifetime. You won’t see it…At least I thought I would never see it. The truth is, however, unavoidable. This is a deadly disease. It has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. And I will likely have to attend more than one funeral. Perhaps it will even be my own.

Its a scary and sobering though to face. Sure makes reality crash in awfully fast.



I’m so tired of hearing people say, “But you don’t look like you have an eating disorder.” Either to me, or a friend. It seems that our level of health should be determined by how sick we look.

Do they expect everyone who stuggles to look like the girls interviewed on Larry King Live? And what excatly is an eatind disordered person supposed to look like anyways? With thin so “in” in the media, we really can’t look that different. I mean. The modles and stars have eating disorders and we consider them “normal”. So we basically just look “normal” to everyone else. “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder”. No, I just look the same as eveyone else who does!

Self Help Indeed

I was in a chain bookstore in the states. Being a psychology graduate and in need of help I turned to my favorite section, self help, and stared in a state of shock at the shelf.

Ever book was on dieting and weight loss.

It seems that’s all we care about. That speaks volumes about society. No wonder western civilization has such a pandemic of eating disorders if the main message they are sending to us is “You NEED to be thin”. They are essentially saying, “You need help? You want to feel good about yourself? Loose weight, then all your problems will be solved?”. After all, what other solutions are there to your quandaries?

I had, of course, realized that media and cultural pressure played a role in the development of an eating disorder before. I had never before, however, had the unfortunate opportunity to have this point so clearly illustrated.

The defense rests.

My Return

So I went away to treatment for quite awhile, and am home. Unfortunately I relapsed almost immediately. I’ve been trying to “change my life”, and “find myself”…so I took a rather long break from the online world and my “old self”.

To bring everyone up to speed. I was sent away to a special treatment centre out of province, as I was a severe case. I stayed there for quite a few months, some in hospital, some out. Don’t get me wrong, I made tremendous progress while I was there, and am not at the same pitiful state as when I arrived. However I am less than flourishing.

While away I also learned all sorts of wonderful tricks that are completely counterproductive to my recovery, like how to induce vomiting effectively, and to manipulate blood tests and scales and such.

Anyone who tells you you will not be triggered in recovery is a liar. Anyone who tells you you can’t get worse is a fool. Recovery is something you have to want…and your eating disorder won’t want it. It will grasp these pearls of wisdom and hang on like a vice. There are a lot of sick people in recovery, and they all talk. The one thing that holds them together is their disorder…and so that is what they talk about, that is what they bond over. In a sick way it even makes the disorder stronger. You slowly begin to validate your disorder and that of those around you.

So now I’m back in town, still restricting my intake, still occasionally binging, still purging (adding the wonderful vomiting on top of the laxative abuse), still exercising…and once again losing weight. No one said it was an easy battle. My therapist says this happens all the time. She says its just good we caught it early, its good I’m being honest; and do I need to go away to treatment again?

What she doesn’t know is that its so bad I drove to a mall to throw up today because I knew I would be caught out if I did it at home.

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