Posts Tagged ‘eating disorder’

Conversation With Mom

I went for coffee with my Mom today, and for the first time got an idea of how sick I really was.

My Mom hasn’t told me before what sort of state I appeared to be in before and after my first hospitalization. At the time I was so incoherent that I did not have the capacity to understand the seriousness of my condition. Likely one of the reasons it was so easy for me to continue on with my destructive behavior.

I asked my mom what I was like at my sickest, and she replied “It was like watching a very old person, or a movie in slow motion. You had no motor skills, and replied with only one or two words, sometimes three. You often said them backwards or out of order. You could barley walk.” She later added that she asked professionals if they thought I would die, and admitted that she herself had thought I would for around 6 months. She said it was like a watching a person who had lived their life, and was lying on their death bed expecting the end. I couldn’t concentrate to read or watch tv, I hunched over into myself and was incapable of holding myself up. I had the death paler. My eyes were sunken. My mind was gone. My whole family was scared.

I didn’t know until today that the number of tests they were doing on me was not the program guideline, but the concern of my doctor.  Apparently weekly EKGs, and a full blood work up is not the usual protocol for outpatient observation. I just thought that the program I was to enter wanted to be up to date on my progress…not that my doctor wanted advanced notice of when to expect my death.

It seems a lot has been kept from me, and I was to sick to understand the rest.

I still cant comprehend that I was that sick.

I remember a few glimpses I caught of myself…clearly. All bones. Usually I see myself as I was at my highest weight..but those few honest glimpses scared me.  Still its hard to imagine that those around me expected my death.