Archive for Anorexia

Exit Laxatives

 When I returned home, from a trip to Duluth, I began to “binge” on healthy food once every few nights, and once in awhile a few consecutive nights in a row. I could not stand the thought of having food in my system for even a few days…and still can’t. The dizzyness, pain, cramping, and heat pounding that came with the laxatives became both a friend and an enemy. A friend as I knew it meant the food would be leaving my system soon, and an enemy as I was afraid each night I went to bed after taking them I would not wake up in the morning. I was scared, I thought I could see blood and half digested food…but I was even more terrified of calories, and of having food in my system. Sadly I am still more scared of the calories and extra weight, and appearane of food in my stomach than of dying.

Eventually, after a few failed attempts, I managed to give up laxatives….for the time being.

The withdrawl was absolute hell. I was bloated, nasias, shaking, fever, headache, constipation, tired, and frusterated. It was an unimaginable hell for me to look in the mirror and see a bloated body…all I could see was fat, and all I could think was that I hated myself.

In order to avoid eating and “agitating the problem”, I began to take huger suppresseants 3-4 times a day…and lots of them. I only needed them for the first few days while my body still craved food. After a few days I no longer needed them…I was simple numb. I would still exercise, but it became less intense. My world became sort of like a waking dream. Everything was foggy and seemed to be moving so much faster than me.

I began to get dizzy whenever I stood up. I couldn’t think clearly, and it was impossible to make decisions. Driving became dangerous for me, I nearly got into numerous accidents including driving though a red light, running stop signs, and forgetting to look before merging or changing lanes. I was, by all means, a danger to myself.

Studying became impossible. I could no longer hang out with friends as I feared they would say something to me, or go somewhere I would be forced to eat. I stopped spending as much time with my family, as I did not want to be forced to eat, and I was scared they would notice my withdrawl from laxatives.

Realizing that I was at an all time low, I did the only thing that I could think of at the moment…I called Mom.


Onset of Disaster

To be completly honest with myself and everyone around me, I have no recollection of a “defining moment” of when I became an anorexic. It seems that Anorexia is one of those things that sneaks up on you quietly, always wrapping itself in some clever disguise or well planned excuse.

I know I have always had problems with my weight, and that I have done quite a yo-yo over the years…ussually eventually leading back to a low. The first instance of it I can remember is when I was about 15. I suppose it is safe to say that it all began early in my life, and I have never really had a remission; I just jumped from one problem to another. I suppose all those “contributing factors” and “significant events” will come up later. In the meantime, I might as well start at the beginning of my lastest downward spiral.

It began much like every other anorexics journey. I defenitly did not jump out of bed one day and declair to the world that I wanted to be an anorexic. No, it started much subtler than that. It began as a lifestyle change, and what a change it would end up being. In the beginning I simply cut out junk food, largely increased the amount of fruit and veggies I ate. Shortly after this, I reduced  meat, simple carbohydrate and dairy intake…a pretty typical, and might I add, healthy change. Of course I also increased the amount I exercised. Favoring cardio. Its all about burning the cals.

As time went on I reduced portion sizes, ate only white meat, and increased the exercise regements. It was shortly after this that the big trouble began. I started reading nutition lables on everything, and if it had more than a magic number of calories (150 to begin with), it was banned from my diet. Shortly after this I began to cut out all calories from any fluid I drank, cut out breakfast and snacks, and eventually lunch too. By this time I was eating nothing by fruit and vegitables. I was also exercising upwards of two or more hours a day. To put into perspective, I used to eat a roast chicken club sandwhich everyday for lunch. The first change was to put the sandwhich onto honeywheat bread. I then reduced the amount of meat on it. Next I reduced the amount of cheese. I then switched to a lettace and tomato sandwhich. Then it was half a sandwhich, then a third. Next it was fruit, granola, and abit of cerial. Then only fruit and granola, reducing the amount. Then just fruit, and then only 4 carrot sticks, and then…nothing.

Eventually I began to live on diet pills, water, and the occasional bit of food. Occasional being once every four days. By this time I was also heavily addicted to laxatives. I was taking a pretty extreme cocktail twice a day. I would take laxatives even on an empty stomach, and the pain of it was enough to keep me screaming and crying for at least half an hour. Then I would do it all over again 12 hours later.

And that, dear friends is a very breif overview of a year and a half of my life before I was half carried, half wheeled into the local ER room.

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