Archive for October, 2009

Single, Self-Respecting Woman

Since that revelation about a week ago, I have started making some changes in my life. I see now that I am a worthwhile person, and that if I want to flourish, and be able to love and respect myself…I need to treat myself with respect.

For me that has meant maintaining high standards, and not settling for anything less. I don’t want to start dating individuals who don’t possess the qualities I desire and respect, or who won’t respect or support me. I also refuse to have sex with anyone I don’t love, and who doesn’t love and won’t commit to a relationship with me. I don’t want to just give myself away freely and easily to anyone. I never have, and I understand now why this means so much to me. It’s about valuing and loving myself, and recognizing that I am worthwhile, worth waiting for, and deserving of love and a relationship.

Not just any relationship either. I am holding out for a man who will love me for who I am, and all that that entails. I want someone who will support me, and stand by my side. I want someone who understands my desires in life, my need for adventure, my need to be active and involved in both volunteering and advocacy. More than just understand though. I want someone who will work by my side. I need someone who will understand that I will always be unique, vary rarely truly conform, and most certainly not be the perfect domestic housewife.


Inner Child

I finally understand the point of the inner child exercise I was supposed to do in groups back in July. To connect to her and see her, and realize she is you.

The other night I was reading a very inspiring book, “Captivating”. I came to a passage that described a little girl trying on clothes dressing up, and flitting from place to place asking, “Am I Lovely?”.  I realized that now that I have come to a place where I can be alone and work through things by myself, my “inner child” is emerging again. All the things I buried are  rising from their graves. I have started looking into clothing, make-up, hair. I spend time trying to look pretty, trying on different styles, different looks. I realized that I have started experimenting and playing like that little girl again. I dress up, and primp, and find myself wondering, “Am I Lovely?”.

Something in me has connected these two again, my inner child and me. I can see her looking up through me and ask, “Do you think I’m beautiful”. And I know now that I can’t keep responding with, no, go away, you need to starve. I look at her now, and she’s a girl. You just can’t say things like that to a child. She’s a girl, and I love her, and I want to protect her. I know now I need to be careful who I let her ask that question of, who I let her come out to. I want her to get only positives feedback. More importantly, I know I have to give her love, and acceptance, and build her up. I know she is me, and I love her.

I am learning to love myself. Learning to come out of my shell.

This book brought back something else to. My need for adventure. It get’s that every woman wants to be involved, and vital in something larger than themselves, something important. I have denied my need for that for years. Denied that I wanted it. Found it too childish, something to be ashamed of.  I understand now that that is not that case. These dreams I have, wishes and desires…they deserve to be recognized. If they have been along this long, they are worth perusing. They are not childish, or immature, they are important pieces of who I am. Core desires of my being. They should not be pushed aside or filed away.

So I have decided, to slowly but surely open up and allow this person to come to light. I will make sure to protect her, and defend her, until she is strong enough to do it herself, lol.  I am, in a sense, “raising myself”. Maybe more accurately, I am finding myself.

So here is to my “inner child”. She is beautiful.