Archive for August, 2009

Perfect Girl

Perfect Girl- Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

[Chorus]
Don’t worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don’t forgo know that you’re loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them ’round
Til I’m the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I’m the one to blame for all of this…

[Chorus]
Don’t worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don’t forgo know that you’re loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You’ll find yourself alright alone
You’ll find yourself with open arms
You’ll find yourself you’ll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
‘Cause I can’t compete I can’t deny there’s nothing that I didn’t try
How did I go wrong in loving you

[Chorus]
Don’t worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don’t forgo know that you’re loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

This is how I feel right now. I’m going through a seperation, and a divorce in time. I don’t hold anything against him…but its hard. I feel like it’s my fault, and I should feel guilty. I know that in order to truly live, and be myself I need to leave. For my own health, and for my well being, and my future.

It’s all very confusing…and stressful, but I choose to live. I choose to feel joy. I choose to flourish, and to be a bigger person, and to live with a confidence in my decision. I know I can grow out of this. I know intime I will glow and flourish again. Right now though…I am just going to do what it takes, and have faith in myself.

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Co Morbid

Thus far my focus has mainly been on my most intense metal health issue, anorexia.

However I, like most other eating disorder sufferers, also stuggle with a great deal more than “simply anorexia”.

I have also been fighting a long hard battle with depression since I was 10. I have survived three major suicide attempts, and many, many idiations and incidences of self mutilation (more commonly known as cutting, burning, ect). I do consider myself largely improved, and this may be in no small part do to a more less effective coping mechanism…starving and purging.

Like most individual who struggle with depression, the root cause acctually lies in an anxiety disorder ( personally anxiety has been noticable and debilitating since early childhood).

In my case, the root cause of depression would be several mildly related anxiety disorders. Some purely biological, many triggered by a certain situation and further compounded by biological predisposition. They are as follows:

1. GAD (generalized anxiety disoder)

2. Panic Disorder (think panic attacks)

3. Social Phobia

4. PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder…for which I will soon be receiving REMDT [Rapid Eye Movement Desensatization Therapy])

5. OCD (Obsessive Complusive Disorder)

The purpose of this post is not to prove what a nut case I am…that should be clearly self-evident by now. It is to demonstarte the complexities of dealing with ┬áco morbid disorders. One more revelent issue will mask the rest, and therapy is the process of peeling back the layers. Then dealing with the most debilitating condition first.

This is also why medication targeting multiple neurochemicals are so effective. Sometimes returning the balance of one or two transmitters can help alleviuate the symptoms of multiple conditions.

I hope this has been midly informative and at least slightly helpful.

Close Calls

Last night I was once again reminded just how terrifying and deadly a battle it is we face as anorectics. 1 in 10 of us will die, if not due to medical complications, then it will be suicide.

At 12:00 in the morning I receivied news that a friend of mine had attempted suicide. She’d been out for 3-4 days. She’s supposed to die. I suppose I should be thankful she even woke up. I suppose only time will tell if this is going to be another close call, or the end.

You never really think when you look around at the girls your facing this with, that at least 2 or three of them won’t make it out. You always think that statistics just belong in text books, and it won’t happen in your lifetime. You won’t see it…At least I thought I would never see it. The truth is, however, unavoidable. This is a deadly disease. It has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. And I will likely have to attend more than one funeral. Perhaps it will even be my own.

Its a scary and sobering though to face. Sure makes reality crash in awfully fast.

Frusterated

I’m so tired of hearing people say, “But you don’t look like you have an eating disorder.” Either to me, or a friend. It seems that our level of health should be determined by how sick we look.

Do they expect everyone who stuggles to look like the girls interviewed on Larry King Live? And what excatly is an eatind disordered person supposed to look like anyways? With thin so “in” in the media, we really can’t look that different. I mean. The modles and stars have eating disorders and we consider them “normal”. So we basically just look “normal” to everyone else. “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder”. No, I just look the same as eveyone else who does!