November 8th

So they are slowley working me up to take in more and more boost, aka “food energy”. Seriously, just call it calories. I still freak out looking at the nutriction information-even though aparently it will take me 4,500-5,000 calories a day to stop weight loss. Eating feels so weird, and I am so over sensative to tastes and smells.

I ate solid food for the first time today and yesterday-even if its just a small amount I feel sick. I am not going to do that agaon for a while. I think I will stick to the boost for a few days…It’s easier on the stomach and it has become a “safe food”-I trust it and its steady amount not to make me gain weight. Its less work psychologically. Even though I know I will have to gain weight eventually.

My digestive track and my body are slowly responding, and it has been painful, very painful. Eating is painful on my stomach, and I often feel like I am going to throw up. Its emotionally and psychologically draining. It takes alot of effort to convince myself to get started, its sometimes easier when Im eating-but afterwards its both painful and an emotional/psychological battle not to purge.

Right now the thought or smell of food makes me naucious. I feel heavy and my insides are turning  and my mind is trying to race-my body responds with panic and I have to fight for control. If I were at home and I had laxatives or something to make me throw-up I would definitly have taken it- now the urge to exercise begins, the need to have it out, or to compensate, to burn calories is so strong…even as I know my organs have been dying for it for months.

I weigh only 95lbs and I fear gaining even one. I know right now its hard to stop the weight loss, to even get enough in me to keep me semi functioning, and I still fear food. I fear what I need to survive. Im scared to touch my stomach, to see myself naked, to see anything but my rib cage and pelvic outline. Im terrified of any bulge. Even though I know its simply passing through I want it out.

I know my digestive track is slow and that it will take a couple of days and it terrifies me. I want to starve myself until it goes through, even though I know there is a good chance it would kill me. I feel it moving, the gases, the bloating, the digestion, it both terrifies and relieves me. It terrifies me that those calories are entering my system, being sent through me, moving into my blood stream, terrifies me that some of it might be stores as fat. My heart is racing and irregular, my body is tense, my breathing shallow, and my chest tight. Im panicing, my mind is racing. I feel like I have to stop thinking. I have to breath deep to stop a panic attack. I try to take comfort in the fact that if its moving it will also come out-and my stomach will be flat and concave again. I try to focus on that, and tell myself it will be ok-I will stick to boost for a few days- this is still too hard yet. I take comfort in the fact that I will still be loosing weight, or at least not gaining it. I try to promise myself this. I know it will be impossible to sleep like this. I have to think about something else. I think I will listen to Micha (a nurse) and keep this journal with me- so I can write how I feel as I eat, and begin to get to the roots of this disease named anorexia. So here we go journal- you and me to recovery.

I found out the other day that when I came in I was so starved I was at risk of refeeding syndrom. Thats when your body has so little glusose or none, that a rush, or large amount of calories would cause insilin shock. So a nasal-gastric tube would have killed me-and I still have to be semi-careful. The risk has mostly run through though-it decreases majoryl after 5 days of slow “re-feeding”. Yet another reason why I went to the hospital. If someone inexperianced had dealt with me, they could have killed me.

I also met with the eating disorder clinic and know I will learn alot from them about both what I did to my body, and how it will recover. I think it will be fascinating.

When I first came in I found their goals so hard to meet-even with the threat of an n/g tube. I was so bad with it that they almost discharged me becuase they were unable to treat me. Dr. Roa stepped in on my behlaf and pointed out that I was in a critical place and medically unstable, and I could die. I’m so glad she did, and I turned around and am able to co-operate. I know the next few days will be hard. I don’t want to eat, I just want boost, but they will want some solid food in me too.

Right now I want to give up and go back to before, and starve. I feel so frusterated and mad at myself. I tried to move to fast and now Im discouraged and angry, and feel guilty and ashamed that I’ve eaten. I feel like a disgusting pig. It makes me want to be sick. I feel nauscious again.

Allison was given a homework assignment in which she had to record what she ate, how much, how many calories, and how much fat. It made me nervous, scared and angry. I don’t want young girls to be exposed to calorie counting-at 12, 13. They should not be worrying about that-its just a breeding ground for seeds leading to an eating disorder. I would not wish this on anyone. Someone needs to educate the schools, and school board about this problem-how they contribute to it, and how they can help prevent it. It makes me angry.

Anorexia is costing me my volunteering, work, this school year, job oppertunities, my physical health, my ability to move arounf and exercise, my emotional health, relationships, my freedom, my sense of independence, my ability to drive. Thats all gone, after just one week in the hospital. Who knows what else it will cost me. Its rediculous.

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